So, I'm here. I'm on my fifth day, and I'm pleased to report that we have yet to kill each other (a major victory from where I sit).
Monday morning was a mixture of emotions for me. I was up early and anticipating being on the road by 9:30am. Getting Fatty, my cat, into her carrier was a wrestling match that ended with me having her fur ALL over me and her in the front seat of the car perched on a suitcase and crying for the next half hour (luckily, she then fell asleep and stayed that way for the next five hours).
As I took a look around my place one more time before literally closing the door to this chapter in my life, I thanked my apartment- out loud and with meaning. I know that may sound strange, but I believe in showing gratitude for the persons/places/ and things that I encounter along my journey. Two years ago, when I moved in, I felt lost...or, moreover, was lost. I had no more husband, had lost my home, had no job, was 31 years old with a college degree and no way to pay my student loans, living with a disability, believeing that nothing and no one seems to work out or stick around in my life, and felt more alone in this world than I could have ever imagined. The subsequent years, the evolution of my soul while living in that space that allowed for such growth, became a lesson in all that I could endure and eventually thrive, through. So I allowed myself to feel the gratitude I felt for that small piece of the world that I called my own... and got in my car.
As I drove away, from not only my place but from San Diego, I cried. But once I could see San Diego, my city, in my rear view mirror, the word FORWARD found it's place in my mind and never let go...still hasn't.
Five hours later I was driving back into my childhood town on the same freeway that took me away from it, 12 years prior. It was surreal, and for a brief moment it all, the past 12 years and all of the life that I had lived in it, seemed like a dream. How was I going to approach living in this town again?? What were the lessons that I was bringing back with me from the Big City?? Why do I feel a small sense of sadness at the realization that my grandpa was no longer here to say to me as I got out of the car "Hi, Stinker (his nickname for me that I wore proudly)"?. Who would I encounter? Would I recognize my childhood friends..would they recognize me? Would I really be able to succeed at this brand new course that I've embarked on or am I simply delaying the adult life that I should be a part of by moving back home with my mommy? AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING??
I got to my mom's house and was greeted by a chilly reception. My bed wasn't cleared off and there was a tension that I was all too familiar with. What I haven't mentioned until now, is that my mom was less than enthused that I was moving back home. I can't exactly say why, I'm not sure she even knows that answer, but aside from the questions in my own mind about doing the right thing for this time in my life and making such a drastic change, I was also battling with the knowledge that my homecoming was less than welcomed. I suppose, maybe she was as apprehensive about what this meant for her lifestyle as I was about what it meant for mine. I think every daughter wants the approval of her mother more than she wants to breath, and knowing that was not available to me broke my heart. My mom is a great woman, we just struggle to communicate, and the difficulty in life will always be learning to speak another's language that will satisfy you both.
I hadn't been home for two hours yet, I was mentally, emotionally, and physically (my body still aches from over exerting myself during the move) exhausted, so I get a bottle of water and sit down on the couch. As I go to put the water on the coffee table my mom (keep in mind that she's talking on the phone to my cousin) yells "USE A COASTER!!!!" . Holy cow, woman, did you have to scare the hell out of me?!?!? So, once I located a coaster, I am now pleased to report that I have since obeyed my mom's first house rule and use a coaster every time. Mom-1 Me-0. So much for exerting my independence and adulthood. How is it that we revert back to being 10 years old again, when under our parents' roof?
And have I also mentioned that she watches NCIS FIVE hours a day?!? Seriously...if it's on t.v. (and it's ALWAYS on t.v.) she's watching it. And the rest of the day??? HGTV or the FOOD network....do you see where I'm going with this?? Ugh. Kill me now. I just consider myself lucky that I get to squeeze in an hour with Oprah.
