I feel a bit sheepish in my blogging inconsistency.
I wait months to sit down and write while I question if anyone would truly notice that I quietly slinked off into the night. What I have come to realize is that I still have not signed on to this idea of blogging, 100%. **Gasp! I know. Quite the revelation for me, I must say, but a true and real confession nonetheless. Oddly enough, if I really think about the roots of my abandonment behavior, I can trace it (lovingly) back to my childhood. Can't we really trace EVERYTHING back to our childhood?? And I add 'lovingly' because I want to offer up this baggage in gratitude to then release its hold on me.
Blogging, to me, represents everything that is so self absorbed, self promotional, so narcissistic, so ego centered in our world today. I had initially begun this page in response to the promptings of all of my friends in San Diego as I was moving on to the next chapter of my journey. Knowing my relationship with my mother they believed it would be the funniest thing to hear the stories of my new life with her. Her lack of tolerance of my insinuation into her later years of life, my taking over my old room with my bad behaviors I have picked up (she didn't raise me that way, after all!)-with a cat to impede on her impeccably kept house, and the tensions between us due to how intensely different we are than each other, would truly make for quite the hilarious journey to read about when you know the key players. So I began the blog.
I had NO idea how this blog thing worked (still don't, really), and I didn't give an exit plan much thought for fading it out once I wasn't living with her anymore, so the blog is still here. And I rarely check in with it. I do so so rarely because I wonder to myself, 'How in the world would ANYONE care about what I have to say?", "Who in their right mind would care about my drama when I'm sure they have their own to deal with?', 'If I don't have anything profound to say I probably shouldn't say anything at all." So here's the catch....if you read that above sentence, what you should really be reading between the lines is 'Fear.', 'Fear.', 'Fear." I allow the fear that screams into my consciousness constantly to rule my world. There 'ya have it. It's like my own personal brand of peer pressure that I lay on myself that inevitably stops me in my tracks. "If everyone is doing it why would mine be different?" "Is there a blog formula that I haven't learned so I look stupid?" "Is my blog going to be the laughing stock of all of the other blogs on the playground?"
When you haven't been supported by the life choices that your soul has called you to bring forth, your self doubt can seep into every facet of your life. Since I have become an adult I have had to fight for my life as the choices I have made have been looked on as less than favorable, at best, by my mother. Most every single decision I have made in my life has come down to honoring my souls calling No.Matter.What. Even as I have desperately wanted a big bear hug from my mom at a job well done at becoming an adult with a life she can be proud of, my reality has left me crest fallen. And so I question my worth as a blogger. (Which then transitions into "You're WORTH?!?! Your assigning WORTH to a BLOG?!?!" Yes I am. But that issue is for a whole 'nother time).
So why today? Why now do I choose to sit down and write? Simply, because I am inspired to do so.
Two weeks ago I did an inspirational speaking gig at CSU Fresno. After the talk this amazing woman approached me to chat. She shared with me her own personal struggles and lightly added, almost as an after thought, that she had read my blog and that I inspired her on so many levels. So there it was. A complete stranger has visited this page a taken a piece of me with her to use as fuel for her own life. She had no idea that in that moment, she had inspired me.
I live for those divine moments that come straight from the Universe, that make me sit up and take notice.
In the last few years of my life I have worked on honing my "gut instinct". To listen. To pay attention. To TRUST that I am being directed as my soul calls me to do so. I have committed to myself that when the Universe (God) wishes for me take a road that I had otherwise been unaware existed, that I will commit to doing so. I have accepted that my life (ALL of our lives) is an adventure, and to think of it any other way is not honoring the journey I have been brought here to embark on. Understand, 'adventure' DOES NOT equal 'easy', quite the opposite frankly, but it does mean that you will live a life with heart that is open and a curiosity that will make you more compassionate, more sensitive, more of who you are meant to become.
So, I am honoring this 'sign' that I have been given. I don't know what the end result will look like (we never do, do we) and through all of the run-on sentences, the misspellings, the complete lack of editing, and the intense knowledge that I am being vulnerable for all of the world to see, I am committing to meeting here, with you, at least once a week. I can no longer deny that my life, in all of its glory, its trails, its tribulations, its pain, its perfectly imperfections, and its nirvana, that I have been called to teach. I teach in front of audiences, and now, I accept that I am teaching (or awakening?) here.
I'll see ya next week!
