You should know that if you're looking for a movie review, this isn't it. If you're looking for a girl who is up at 5 in the morning because of the conversations in her head from watching this movie, you've hit jack pot.
I just realized that it's been since September since I've last posted, clearly I am terrible at keeping up with this thing, but at this moment I need to send some energy out into the cosmic void. Who knows, maybe I'm looking for answers somewhere other than within myself this time because I tend to keep going around and around in my head and getting absolutely no where lately.
You should know that I have absolutely NO idea what the next phase of my life is going to look like. I think that everyone in my (our) inner circle assumed that Matthew and I would start having children right away...after all, I AM 35 years old, and as my doctor has told me, we should start trying to have children within the year. The problem?? I had a panic attack on the drive home from the doctors office that night and ran through a list in my head of all of the things I wanted to do before D-Day. The day. The day that we decide to throw away the birth control and try to bring a life into this world. The day that I consciously decide to change my life-my world forever. The day that I choose to allow my love for another being, whom I haven't even met yet, to eclipse the love I have for my husband. After all, most any parent will tell you (at least, Lord knows they feel the desire to tell me,that this parent-child love is more than anything they've ever experienced before). I was SO happy that the movie addressed this issue and made me feel a little less like an a**h*** in my thinking that it truly is the most ridiculous thing I've almost ever heard. It would break my heart if my husband felt that I loved something/ someone more than him. (Ok parents, here's where you're supposed to tell me "It's a DIFFERENT love for your children, not more than or less than).
So here's the question I'm really sending "out there"......WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE CHILDREN?!?!?? If only you knew how many times I have posed this question to my friends, and if only you knew how just about every single one of them was not only caught off guard, but who stumbled in the answering of it. Like they had never thought about it before. The options are (A) Ego? Do you feel that in order to earn your place on this planet that you must give back in the form of a child that will (hopefully) leave an impression on this planet greater than when they (or you) arrived? Here's the flaw in that....you can't EVER put expectations on another living being like that. It's not fair to them, and likely, they will never live up to your standards. (B) Religious? (C) Are you "checking a box" on your life list and you've just always assumed that you would have children? (D) Why not?? (Lord help us all if that's the reason!) or (E) Because you have so much love and wisdom to give that it would be severing a limb to not give that out to an off-spring?? But here's the question about that....can't you find other places to give it out?? Your local animal shelter? Becoming a hospice volunteer? Fighting world hunger? OH! Wait! Here's (F) and I hear this one A LOT!... "I don't want to grow old alone. I want someone to visit me in the old-folks home. Which is absolutely ridiculous in it's own right on so many levels. How self centered. And really, who's to say your kids are gonna WANT to be around you when you're old and gray? Maybe they just won't be those kinds of people.
I admit that there are moments that come on like a flash and leave just as quickly, when I'm folding laundry or driving in my car, when I think for a brief moment "Hey, it just might be kinda fun to have a kid here with me." But immediately, I am then reminded that I really, REALLY love my sleep. That I am surrounded by example after example of mothers who are just trying to hold on to themselves and not get lost in the daily's of motherhood. I like not being tied down (that's the gypsy in me), and what I realized in my therapists office the other day is, I am not one of those people who need to be needed. In fact, I'd prefer it if you don't need me at all. Love me for being in your life, love that I will always be there for you as a friend, love me that I am the most loyal person you'll ever meet, love me for being out-spoken and having my opinions, love me for the generous, kind, giving person that I am....but don't need me. And also, my life is pretty flippin' fantastic as it is. I want for nothing, I'm a woman entrepreneur, and my life is full of "living" at the moment. So...will a child hinder this awesomeness, or make it "more"? That it the question of the hour.
We live in this society that runs rampant with "romantic talk" and it has always driven me up a flippin' wall.... "He's my soul mate", "YOU COMPLETE ME" (ugh. Effin' Jerry Maguire!). "I want to spend forever with you". No. Stop it. Know that I am CHOOSING to be here, with you now, and love me for the fact that out of everyone in the entire world, it's YOU that I choose to spend my day with. I don't expect that you will be with me forever (I may hope very much so that you will be, but expect it? That's just setting yourself up for disappointment) and I certainly don't expect that your presence "completes me" as a human being. Let's not forget that no person will ever be "complete". A big part of this life is the journey (your own journey) and the growth. You may aspire to be whole, but complete (or perfectt, for that matter) will never be attainable. "My kids are my life" (NOTHING-not. one. thing.-should be "your life". That's too much pressure on the "thing"). "It's all consuming to be a parent." Bleh. Again, nothing should consume your life. Leave room for the surprises along the way. I know that this talk is used to validate whatever relationship one is speaking about, but who needs to be validated? You love. I get that. You're loved. I get that too. Enough said. And, I am SO happy for you that you have "people". I wish that for evey single person on this planet. But seriously, people are obsessed with this kind of talk (and similarly, Facebook posts) only to the detriment of themselves.
And then there's the question of this...do I want to bring a child into this world? A world where our political parties are more interested in playing defense for their team than to put the welfare of their citizens before anything else. Where men are still (or, again) making decisions for my body and I can't do a damn thing about it. A world where women are being called "sluts" on national television (throw in political rhetoric here but the fact is, this WOMAN-not "slut"-had an opinion and she was called a nasty name because of it. Period.). A world where no one really knows how to communicate anymore thanks to our "auto reply" messages that will do it for us. And, God forbid the kids of today should have to talk on a phone! A world where we're more concerned about "getting ours" than making sure everyone "gets theirs" too. A world where watching a protest from the comfort of our homes makes us feel as though we're "doing something", instead of actually DOING SOMETHING! A world where children will, more often than not, dictate an adult conversation (not their fault, by nature they are self centered), and parents who let them do it. A world where more parents make their children their world, than make their relationship the nucleus of the family and the children were brought into it simply to make it more beautiful.
I should mention that I have been blessed with an incredible man who does factor into this decision, and who gives me enough space to figure out what's best for me. He did say to me "I think you're over thinking this baby thing" and I said to him "Shouldn't I?!? If I'm going to spend a long time deciding on if I want to commit to a person- by paper- for the rest of my life, shouldn't I give equal attention to bringing another human being onto this planet whom I can't divorce or leave?" His support, and his desire for me to be no one other than myself, is not lost on me on a daily basis. I live in gratitude that he puts no pressure on me, ever. And though I know he wants children so badly, he wants me to be happy, content, and peaceful, whatever that looks like for us even more so. There is no doubt that I am the more male energy in the relationship when it comes to this matter and I am just SO thankful that I have someone who so beautifully balances me with his love and acceptance.
So, cosmic void, thanks for indulging me. I'm not sure if this has cleared anything up for me yet, but I do know this....everything has its time......
