It wasn't too long ago that I was learning how to live life as a girl who's new status of "single" was forced upon me after my ex- husband called me at work one day to tell me that he was at our home packing up his things and that he, his toothbrush, his pillow that seemed previously so comfortable on our bed next to mine, and all traces of what was "us", was over. Vanished. As if our legal and emotional commitment never existed in the first place. I walked in the front door that night after work to find his closet empty of everything but the hangers that used to hold his clothes and the true realization that in one instant someone can simply change their mind and alter your world so drastically that you find it hard to catch your bearings or your breath.
The following months found me frantically following the bubbles. A long time ago I watched a documentary that taught me that if I were ever drowning that I must find the bubbles and follow them to the surface in order to survive. So I did just that. Day after day was an endless attempt to simply follow the bubbles. It was impossible to make any sense of it all and I certainly had no blue print for dealing with such intense and overwhelming pain. There was no how-to manual that could have held me through the lonely nights or comforted me in any way that would have helped begin to heal my completely broken heart. Everything that I knew my world and my future to be and to look like were not there any more.
Within weeks after he left I was utterly exhausted from lack of sleep and while I don't typically believe in the western worlds view of "give it a pill and all will be okay", I knew that something drastic had to happen. I couldn't deal with my reality. I couldn't function. I had no place to put the pain if only for a few short hours so that I could find some respite. So I took myself to the doctor.
I stopped crying long enough to compose myself and believed that I could hold it together to get through my appointment. And then came that damn patient form you have to fill out. I was doing fine until I got to the worst question in the world. Who Do We Contact In Case Of Emergency? I was stopped dead in my tracks. All breath escaped me. Hands started to tremble. Eyes welled up with tears. I had no In Case of Emergency anymore. That moment in time stands as the most painful and lonely moment of my life to date. I was all alone. I had no one to stand up for me in case there was an emergency. No one in my corner. No one who believed I mattered enough to advocate for me if something were to happen. Of course my mother was always that person for me prior to meeting my ex, but my mother was now five hours away. What life saving decisions could she make for me if need be? She couldn't rush to my side to hold my hand if I needed a hand-holder.
I know that I was not the only single girl on this planet who has found herself in this position but you must understand that my reality was foggy at best for the following few years. Nothing made sense. Everything was painful. Going out with my girlfriends was great until I realized that there would be no one waiting for me to get home to ask me if I had had a good time. My pain was universal but devastating nonetheless. I took my marriage vows very seriously and meant it when I said "For Better Or Worse, 'Til Death Do Us Part". I just didn't know that I was the only in the marriage who had.
So why revisit this most painful time in my life? One reason is because I truly believe that if you don't remember those moments in your past (good or bad) that have created your life as you know it now then you fail to really learn the lessons that have been given to you. To remember how far I have come from my darkest days allow me the privilege of feeling the pride that often overwhelms me for getting through something that seemed, at the time, insurmountable. I was broken. And now I am more complete and more whole than I could have ever imagined that day in the doctors office. And not solely because I now have someone special, but because I carried on and fought my hardest battle, coming out the other side with no anger or bitterness. No one could have gotten me through that but myself. As wounded as I was I'm still standing.
Second, because I realized today that two years ago on this very day I had no idea how the foreseeable next few years were going to unfold. I had yet to decide that I was moving from my home for 13 years in San Diego and my life was predictable. I didn't love being single, but it wasn't so bad either. My girlfriends were my life blood and all was status quo. I could have never imagined that in 30 short days my new chapter would reveal itself.
Two years ago next month, on August 13th, 2010, I met who would come to be one of the best things to ever happen to me. I answered a phone call from a guy whom I had met once in college, who's parents went to high school with mine, who used to run in the same high school track meets as my older brother, and who would become my husband exactly one year later.
I've been thinking all day "Two years ago today I was living my last 30 days as a single girl and had no idea."
Now I look around at all that we have created in this chapter together, the memories that we have packed into the last 23 months, the 4-legged children that we have rescued and adore, the home that is full of love, acceptance, laughter, adventure, support, and authenticity. Because of my past my soul reminds me every single day to cherish and appreciate what I now have. Someone who tears up for me as he watches me cross my finish lines because he understands how much it means to me. Someone who does my hair for me when I can't because of my disability. Someone who believes in my life's work when I find myself second guessing it all. Someone who gives of himself so completely that I am often overwhelmed and intensly humbled.
He has righted all of the wrongs. He has restored my faith in love.
Life Lesson:
It may not always make sense at the time. As in life, the tests come before the lessons. It may hurt so badly that you can only see your world in black and white and you fear that you will never experience color again. But your job is to remember two things: (1) Just. Keep. Going. and (2) The Universe Always Trades Up. Always.
PS....Whenever I come to that Who May We Contact In Case of Emergency question now, my heart smiles just a little bit.
