What A Difference A Year Makes...

There has been this small voice in the back of my head recently that seemed to keep telling me that I should update this blog...but holy cow, I had no idea it has been since JANUARY since I last checked in! How come it seems that when life is going good it's more difficult to keep up with blogs/journals/reading/ and often, neccessities of life? I suppose it's because we sometimes just want to revel in the greatness, the proverbial "mountain", of life at it's current time; get swept up in the joy after so much sorrow, that writing down our thoughts seem insignificant. Or, maybe, I've simply been instiled with the notion that bragging is not becoming...but then, neither is bitching...so, I guess you should just be surprised that you're hearing from me at all (for the 10 of you that read my blog)!.

My life has changed so drastically since last we talked that my head is spining with where to start...
In the last 8 1/2 months I have moved in with my guy (he asked me by wrapping his house key up and putting it in my stocking for Christmas)...aka...moving out of my mothers house, adopted a dog that showed up on our porch on Valentine's Day (we, of course, named her "Valentine".duh), adopted a kitten we named Simon (that also showed up on our porch...Matthew now lovingly refers to me as 'Dr. Dolittle' or 'St. Francis os Assissi'-for all of you Catholics out there), went to London and Paris for 10 days, got engaged on the Eiffel Tower, and GOT MARRIED a month ago! Whew! I'm exhausted just thinking about the whirlwind that has become my life.
I now live 15 minutes from mom (a much better distance than simply right down the hall) and believe me when I say that there are moments that I think "HOLY CRAP I got stuck in Fresno!". But then, admittedly, my next thought is "I would live in a tent on the tundra if it meant I could be with Matthew, so Fresno ain't so bad, really".  Ok...who am I kidding?? We would have a long distance relationship if the tundra was any sort of reality, but you get what I'm sayin'.
So, now that my love life is taken care of and I'm now a "Mrs." again (...geez, that sounds weird). I'm still getting used to the title, and at times still battling with the demons that seem to surface and instill a level of fear and anxiety that looks and feels an awful lot like "abandonment",  but for the most part I'm simply grateful. I'm now completely submersed in my company (United Learning Foundation, Inc.). It's a brand new school year and I'm excited to see all of the exciting things that are coming my way.  The message of U.L.F.is simple...I go into schools and corporations and use my personal story to teach about dis/ABILITY awareness and sensitivity...but it's one that needs to be heard.  I know without a doubt that this is the direction that life has been pushing me in for a long time.  This is my calling. This is what I was put on this earth to do.  My talents of public/ inspirational speaking is what I am supposed to be using every single day to change even a little part of this world. For that I know is true.  Plus, I know too much of what I am missing by not being my own boss.  I can't play by another corporations rules, I've tried and I don't like it.  I want to live life on MY own terms, not by some time clock (and yes...I'm stomping my feet as I write this).
Here's what I have learned about my mother through this new journey of mine called U.L.F.....my mom comes from the school of thought that a steady paycheck is what life is all about and you do your "calling" on your own, spare time.  MY school of thought is this...I will DIE a slow death if I don't create a life surrounded by my purpose and my reason for being...and the money will follow.  Two completely different schools of thought, neither one better or worse than the other, they just won't ever see eye-to-eye.
One year ago today I was still in San Diego, packing up, saying my good-bye's, and putting a period on that chapter in my life.  I had no idea what was awaiting me and I'm glad that I didn't.  Life Lesson for today....sometimes all that is needed is a little change-up in the energy of your life.  Do something different, take a chance, push yourself through your fears for the amazingness that is, inevitably, waiting for you on the other side.  Whether it's a job change, a move to a different city...or country!, blessing and saying good-bye to a toxic relationship that hinders you more than helps you, and keep yourself OPEN to allowing it all to come your way. 

Ps....Oprah also aired her last show back in May (*tear). NOW what do I do with my "Hour with Oprah" now that there is no more "Hour with Oprah"?!? Ugh. Guess I'll have to get to work at making a meeting with Oprah happen. Am I the only one who believes that we could be best of friends if only she knew I existed? I, of course, would never assume Gayle's place, but a close second on the "Best Friends" list would do just fine for me. It's already on my Vision Board. Hey, don't judge me!

The Sound of Music, jacks, & the holidays, oh my!

I feel like I have blinked and the last 10 weeks have passed. Let's see...where to begin...

1) Since last I wrote we've gone through both Thanksgiving and Christmas 2010.  This past holiday season, I am happy to report, was at times wonderfully overwhelming. For Thanksgiving my mom, my guy, and I went down to Los Angeles to spend the weekend with my brother and his family.  As I was sitting in the passenger seat while on the road I couldn't help but think back to the differences between last year and this one. I was overtaken with awe at how one little (or, not so little) decision can truly change ones life.  Last year, and the previous three before that, found me alone and desperately lonely.  I had my amazing friends that opened up their homes and hearts to me, but at the end of each day when I had to walk into an empty house the loneliness was palpable. It wasn't until after my divorce and the subsequent four years that I understood the statement "It's just another day" in it's entirety.  Those moments when it feels as those you could vanish into thin air and no one would mourn the loss (or so it felt) was my reality, holiday or not.

     This year, as I stood around the dinner table and we were taking turns saying what we're all thankful for, I was brought to tears with gratitude.  There I was in the presence of the people whom I have returned to- my family- and the one who has been brought to me.  "I am thankful that I am in a completely different place than I was last year. And I am thankful for the best boyfriend a girl could ever hope for" was all I could squeak out through my tears.

     It was, in fact, the best holiday season I have had since they were once spent with my grandparents.        There are moments when I could allow myself to feel as though I am absolutely no where that a 34 year old woman should be with her life, I could succumb to our society's standards of what, apparently, makes up a successful and productive member of society (and at the present time that's, not me)...but then I realize that I now have everything that I could have ever wanted in this life and that all there is for me to do is say "thank you".  But let's be clear, I'm not living in gratitude because all that I wanted has been given to me, I am thankful for the hard fought victories and the love that has come to me despite all of the crap that life has thrown my way. Because I diligently stayed open and hopeful even in the darkest of hours, consciously deciding to never allow bitterness and anger to overtake me, my present and future are more full than I knew it to ever be possible. 

2) It has become an unspoken standing date now that my mom and I watch Oprah together everyday (she, thankfully,now halts all uses of paper shredders 'til after the 4 o'clock hour).  Whatever I have to do or any appointments I have to make I do before 4pm and am at home like clockwork to sit on my couch as she's in her chair, to watch the show.  

     This one particular day Oprah was featuring the cast of The Sound of Music complete with their behind-the-scenes stories and pictures of that magical place we all recognize as the hill that Julie Andrews twirled about on. As she went to commercial my mom says to me "The Sound of Music, Paint Your Wagon, and White Christmas have always been my three favorite movies of all time." I would have never ever known that about my mom and would have had to say to my children "I don't know what your grandmothers favorite movies were" had life not brought us to that moment in time.

     Guess what she got for Christmas. :)

3) Have I mentioned how much my mother just lllooovveesss cooking shows??? And I do mean love. with a capital "L"! I laugh now because everyday I am inundated with Paula Dean, Guy whatever-his-last-name-is, The Barefoot Contessa, Giada De-somethingorother, Bobby Flay, and every other Food Network star as I wait patiently for her have mercy on me at some point and switch it to HGTV.  She is definitely the foodie and I'm the decorator in the family.

     But I digress.  As we were watching Paula Dean one day she (Paula, not my mom) happens to mention that she used to jacks as a kid.  Seconds later I hear my mom say "I used to play jacks for hours at your great grandma's house everyday after school."  Just another fun fact that I've learned about my mom. Do you know what your mom used to play as a child? Maybe you should ask her.

So, in the past 10 weeks I am happy to report that my mom and I, clearly, have not killed each other.  There have been those moments that I need my space, that I may wake up grumpy and not want to chit chat with Mary Sunshine over the morning news...but I can say that my mother is vaguely taking the form of a real human being now and not just this loosely defined word "mom", and I don't take that for granted in the slightest.  

     We laugh, she fixes dinner for us and considers it an extra treat when she can try out a new recipe on my boyfriend and I, and tomorrow I'm taking her to her doctors appointment- a part of my schedule that I find honored to be doing.

So...Life Lessons: 1) Take the time to find out what your mom's favorite (fill in the blank here) is.  2) Stay open to the tid-bits of her life that she may share with you without her even knowing. I promise that you're life will make just a little bit more sense if you do. 

                                                   Christmas Mornin'

                                            Mom & I