My 6 week check-up

Holy cow I can't believe it's been six weeks already! I can say this, that I feel as though I have lived more life & learned more about my family & my mother in the last six weeks, than I have in the last five years. 

Miraculously (or...maybe not so, depending on how you want to look at it) I have finally received the closure I was always needing from a relationship with my father that was as non existent as he was when I was growing up. I have struggled with my feelings of his choices of leaving our family, & finally, I did the hard work & wrote him a letter explaining it all. Four months later I received a response...& have now let go of it.  It wasn't easy,...how does a child confront their parent about the parents life choices that created very real feelings that have effected the first 34 years of their life? How does a child assume the parental role & finally open the doors of communication regarding the proverbial pink elephant that has sat smack dab in the middle of the room for so long? When is it that the child has to become the more mature one? But what I realized was that for the sake of having healthy relationships with the men in my life from here on out, it was something that I needed to do. I didn't want to...I had to. The result? Five months later & I have met the love of my life & the best friend a girl could ever hope for. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences.  I now stand in a place of gratitude, having been raised by my most incredible & loving grandfather.  I have let go of all resentment & anger & simply wished my father well. 

Surprising to me but oh so welcomed was the side effect of my heart having been completely opened to feeling every ounce of love that comes my way.  Every so often I am shaken by that underlying fear of abandonment, but the blessing is that I have a man in my life that is patient enough to allow my moments & is standing on the other side waiting for me when I pass through them. And those times of shaky ground are becoming less & less as the days pass.

Another bonus? I had been so clouded by my own "issues", my own "story", that I couldn't clearly see the unconditional love that was sitting right in front of me in my nephews.  I am so completely smitten by that two & four year old that I find myself overcome with emotions every time I think of them.  How sad it would have been if I had spent a lifetime so engrossed in my own torment that I missed out on these moments, this love, because I was so hell bent on keeping my story in the place that was most comfortable for me? Now, they get the best of me.

Life Lesson: It takes courage to do the uncomfortable work, to face the ugliness of life in the faith that the conclusion of the story will be much more than the introduction.  But here's what I really know as a fact...the conclusion will always read better, because any ounce of bravery one may posses will be met by the Universe/God &  gifted back to you in ways that you could have never imagined.  Take the risks, put your big girl panties on, do the difficult work, & start looking forward to the next chapter...it will never be worse than the one you've currently written.


Oh! And I've also, already, paid off a significant sized bill & had my first official presentation as United Learning Foundation, Inc. at a local high school. See what I mean??...More life in the last six weeks then... :o)