Friends with Kids????

You should know that if you're looking for a movie review, this isn't it.  If you're looking for a girl who is up at 5 in the morning because of the conversations in her head from watching this movie, you've hit jack pot.


I just realized that it's been since September since I've last posted, clearly I am terrible at keeping up with this thing, but at this moment I need to send some energy out into the cosmic void.  Who knows, maybe I'm looking for answers somewhere other than within myself this time because I tend to keep going around and around in my head and getting absolutely no where lately.


You should know that I have absolutely NO idea what the next phase of my life is going to look like.  I think that everyone in my (our) inner circle assumed that Matthew and I would start having children right away...after all, I AM 35 years old, and as my doctor has told me, we should start trying to have children within the year.  The problem?? I had a panic attack on the drive home from the doctors office that night and ran through a list in my head of all of the things I wanted to do before D-Day. The day. The day that we decide to throw away the birth control and try to bring a life into this world. The day that I consciously decide to change my life-my world forever.  The day that I choose to allow my love for another being, whom I haven't even met yet, to eclipse the love I have for my husband. After all, most any parent will tell you (at least, Lord knows they feel the desire to tell me,that this parent-child love is more than anything they've ever experienced before). I was SO happy that the movie addressed this issue and made me feel a little less like an a**h*** in my thinking that it truly is the most ridiculous thing I've almost ever heard. It would break my heart if my husband felt that I loved something/ someone more than him. (Ok parents, here's where you're supposed to tell me "It's a DIFFERENT love for your children, not more than or less than).


So here's the question I'm really sending "out there"......WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE CHILDREN?!?!?? If only you knew how many times I have posed this question to my friends, and if only you knew how just about every single one of them was not only caught off guard, but who stumbled in the answering of it.  Like they had never thought about it before.  The options are (A) Ego? Do you feel that in order to earn your place on this planet that you must give back in the form of a child that will (hopefully) leave an impression on this planet greater than when they (or you) arrived?  Here's the flaw in that....you can't EVER put expectations on another living being like that. It's not fair to them, and likely, they will never live up to your standards. (B) Religious? (C) Are you "checking a box" on your life list and you've just always assumed that you would have children? (D) Why not?? (Lord help us all if that's the reason!) or (E) Because you have so much love and wisdom to give that it would be severing a limb to not give that out to an off-spring?? But here's the question about that....can't you find other places to give it out?? Your local animal shelter? Becoming a hospice volunteer? Fighting world hunger? OH! Wait! Here's (F) and I hear this one A LOT!... "I don't want to grow old alone. I want someone to visit me in the old-folks home.  Which is absolutely ridiculous in it's own right on so many levels.  How self centered. And really, who's to say your kids are gonna WANT to be around you when you're old and gray? Maybe they just won't be those kinds of people.


I admit that there are moments that come on like a flash and leave just as quickly, when I'm folding laundry or driving in my car, when I think for a brief moment "Hey, it just might be kinda fun to have a kid here with me."  But immediately, I am then reminded that I really, REALLY love my sleep. That I am surrounded by example after example of mothers who are just trying to hold on to themselves and not get lost in the daily's of motherhood. I like not being tied down (that's the gypsy in me), and what I realized in my therapists office the other day is, I am not one of those people who need to be needed.  In fact, I'd prefer it if you don't need me at all. Love me for being in your life, love that I will always be there for you as a friend, love me that I am the most loyal person you'll ever meet, love me for being out-spoken and having my opinions, love me for the generous, kind, giving person that I am....but don't need me. And also, my life is pretty flippin' fantastic as it is. I want for nothing, I'm a woman entrepreneur, and my life is full of "living" at the moment. So...will a child hinder this awesomeness, or make it "more"? That it the question of the hour.


We live in this society that runs rampant with "romantic talk" and it has always driven me up a flippin' wall.... "He's my soul mate", "YOU COMPLETE ME" (ugh. Effin' Jerry Maguire!). "I want to spend forever with you". No. Stop it. Know that I am CHOOSING to be here, with you now, and love me for the fact that out of everyone in the entire world, it's YOU that I choose to spend my day with. I don't expect that you will be with me forever (I may hope very much so that you will be, but expect it? That's just setting yourself up for disappointment) and I certainly don't expect that your presence "completes me" as a human being.  Let's not forget that no person will ever be "complete". A big part of this life is the journey (your own journey) and the growth. You may aspire to be whole, but complete (or perfectt, for that matter) will never be attainable. "My kids are my life" (NOTHING-not. one. thing.-should be "your life". That's too much pressure on the "thing"). "It's all consuming to be a parent." Bleh. Again, nothing should consume your life. Leave room for the surprises along the way. I know that this talk is used to validate whatever relationship one is speaking about, but who needs to be validated? You love. I get that. You're loved. I get that too. Enough said. And, I am SO happy for you that you have "people". I wish that for evey single person on this planet. But seriously, people are obsessed with this kind of talk (and similarly, Facebook posts) only to the detriment of themselves.


And then there's the question of this...do I want to bring a child into this world? A world where our political parties are more interested in playing defense for their team than to put the welfare of their citizens before anything else. Where men are still (or, again) making decisions for my body and I can't do a damn thing about it. A world where women are being called "sluts" on national television (throw in political rhetoric here but the fact is, this WOMAN-not "slut"-had an opinion and she was called a nasty name because of it. Period.).   A world where no one really knows how to communicate anymore thanks to our "auto reply" messages that will do it for us. And, God forbid the kids of today should have to talk on a phone! A world where we're more concerned about "getting ours" than making sure everyone "gets theirs" too. A world where watching a protest from the comfort of our homes makes us feel as though we're "doing something", instead of actually DOING SOMETHING! A world where children will, more often than not, dictate an adult conversation (not their fault, by nature they are self centered), and parents who let them do it. A world where more parents make their children their world, than make their relationship the nucleus of the family and the children were brought into it simply to make it more beautiful.


I should mention that I have been blessed with an incredible man who does factor into this decision, and who gives me enough space to figure out what's best for me. He did say to me "I think you're over thinking this baby thing" and I said to him "Shouldn't I?!? If I'm going to spend a long time deciding on if I want to commit to a person- by paper- for the rest of my life, shouldn't I give equal attention to bringing another human being onto this planet whom I can't divorce or leave?"   His support, and his desire for me to be no one other than myself, is not lost on me on a daily basis.  I live in gratitude that he puts no pressure on me, ever. And though I know he wants children so badly, he wants me to be happy, content, and peaceful, whatever that looks like for us even more so.  There is no doubt that I am the more male energy in the relationship when it comes to this matter and I am just SO thankful that I have someone who so beautifully balances me with his love and acceptance.


So, cosmic void, thanks for indulging me.  I'm not sure if this has cleared anything up for me yet, but I do know this....everything has its time......

What A Difference A Year Makes...

There has been this small voice in the back of my head recently that seemed to keep telling me that I should update this blog...but holy cow, I had no idea it has been since JANUARY since I last checked in! How come it seems that when life is going good it's more difficult to keep up with blogs/journals/reading/ and often, neccessities of life? I suppose it's because we sometimes just want to revel in the greatness, the proverbial "mountain", of life at it's current time; get swept up in the joy after so much sorrow, that writing down our thoughts seem insignificant. Or, maybe, I've simply been instiled with the notion that bragging is not becoming...but then, neither is bitching...so, I guess you should just be surprised that you're hearing from me at all (for the 10 of you that read my blog)!.

My life has changed so drastically since last we talked that my head is spining with where to start...
In the last 8 1/2 months I have moved in with my guy (he asked me by wrapping his house key up and putting it in my stocking for Christmas)...aka...moving out of my mothers house, adopted a dog that showed up on our porch on Valentine's Day (we, of course, named her "Valentine".duh), adopted a kitten we named Simon (that also showed up on our porch...Matthew now lovingly refers to me as 'Dr. Dolittle' or 'St. Francis os Assissi'-for all of you Catholics out there), went to London and Paris for 10 days, got engaged on the Eiffel Tower, and GOT MARRIED a month ago! Whew! I'm exhausted just thinking about the whirlwind that has become my life.
I now live 15 minutes from mom (a much better distance than simply right down the hall) and believe me when I say that there are moments that I think "HOLY CRAP I got stuck in Fresno!". But then, admittedly, my next thought is "I would live in a tent on the tundra if it meant I could be with Matthew, so Fresno ain't so bad, really".  Ok...who am I kidding?? We would have a long distance relationship if the tundra was any sort of reality, but you get what I'm sayin'.
So, now that my love life is taken care of and I'm now a "Mrs." again (...geez, that sounds weird). I'm still getting used to the title, and at times still battling with the demons that seem to surface and instill a level of fear and anxiety that looks and feels an awful lot like "abandonment",  but for the most part I'm simply grateful. I'm now completely submersed in my company (United Learning Foundation, Inc.). It's a brand new school year and I'm excited to see all of the exciting things that are coming my way.  The message of U.L.F.is simple...I go into schools and corporations and use my personal story to teach about dis/ABILITY awareness and sensitivity...but it's one that needs to be heard.  I know without a doubt that this is the direction that life has been pushing me in for a long time.  This is my calling. This is what I was put on this earth to do.  My talents of public/ inspirational speaking is what I am supposed to be using every single day to change even a little part of this world. For that I know is true.  Plus, I know too much of what I am missing by not being my own boss.  I can't play by another corporations rules, I've tried and I don't like it.  I want to live life on MY own terms, not by some time clock (and yes...I'm stomping my feet as I write this).
Here's what I have learned about my mother through this new journey of mine called U.L.F.....my mom comes from the school of thought that a steady paycheck is what life is all about and you do your "calling" on your own, spare time.  MY school of thought is this...I will DIE a slow death if I don't create a life surrounded by my purpose and my reason for being...and the money will follow.  Two completely different schools of thought, neither one better or worse than the other, they just won't ever see eye-to-eye.
One year ago today I was still in San Diego, packing up, saying my good-bye's, and putting a period on that chapter in my life.  I had no idea what was awaiting me and I'm glad that I didn't.  Life Lesson for today....sometimes all that is needed is a little change-up in the energy of your life.  Do something different, take a chance, push yourself through your fears for the amazingness that is, inevitably, waiting for you on the other side.  Whether it's a job change, a move to a different city...or country!, blessing and saying good-bye to a toxic relationship that hinders you more than helps you, and keep yourself OPEN to allowing it all to come your way. 

Ps....Oprah also aired her last show back in May (*tear). NOW what do I do with my "Hour with Oprah" now that there is no more "Hour with Oprah"?!? Ugh. Guess I'll have to get to work at making a meeting with Oprah happen. Am I the only one who believes that we could be best of friends if only she knew I existed? I, of course, would never assume Gayle's place, but a close second on the "Best Friends" list would do just fine for me. It's already on my Vision Board. Hey, don't judge me!

The Sound of Music, jacks, & the holidays, oh my!

I feel like I have blinked and the last 10 weeks have passed. Let's see...where to begin...

1) Since last I wrote we've gone through both Thanksgiving and Christmas 2010.  This past holiday season, I am happy to report, was at times wonderfully overwhelming. For Thanksgiving my mom, my guy, and I went down to Los Angeles to spend the weekend with my brother and his family.  As I was sitting in the passenger seat while on the road I couldn't help but think back to the differences between last year and this one. I was overtaken with awe at how one little (or, not so little) decision can truly change ones life.  Last year, and the previous three before that, found me alone and desperately lonely.  I had my amazing friends that opened up their homes and hearts to me, but at the end of each day when I had to walk into an empty house the loneliness was palpable. It wasn't until after my divorce and the subsequent four years that I understood the statement "It's just another day" in it's entirety.  Those moments when it feels as those you could vanish into thin air and no one would mourn the loss (or so it felt) was my reality, holiday or not.

     This year, as I stood around the dinner table and we were taking turns saying what we're all thankful for, I was brought to tears with gratitude.  There I was in the presence of the people whom I have returned to- my family- and the one who has been brought to me.  "I am thankful that I am in a completely different place than I was last year. And I am thankful for the best boyfriend a girl could ever hope for" was all I could squeak out through my tears.

     It was, in fact, the best holiday season I have had since they were once spent with my grandparents.        There are moments when I could allow myself to feel as though I am absolutely no where that a 34 year old woman should be with her life, I could succumb to our society's standards of what, apparently, makes up a successful and productive member of society (and at the present time that's, not me)...but then I realize that I now have everything that I could have ever wanted in this life and that all there is for me to do is say "thank you".  But let's be clear, I'm not living in gratitude because all that I wanted has been given to me, I am thankful for the hard fought victories and the love that has come to me despite all of the crap that life has thrown my way. Because I diligently stayed open and hopeful even in the darkest of hours, consciously deciding to never allow bitterness and anger to overtake me, my present and future are more full than I knew it to ever be possible. 

2) It has become an unspoken standing date now that my mom and I watch Oprah together everyday (she, thankfully,now halts all uses of paper shredders 'til after the 4 o'clock hour).  Whatever I have to do or any appointments I have to make I do before 4pm and am at home like clockwork to sit on my couch as she's in her chair, to watch the show.  

     This one particular day Oprah was featuring the cast of The Sound of Music complete with their behind-the-scenes stories and pictures of that magical place we all recognize as the hill that Julie Andrews twirled about on. As she went to commercial my mom says to me "The Sound of Music, Paint Your Wagon, and White Christmas have always been my three favorite movies of all time." I would have never ever known that about my mom and would have had to say to my children "I don't know what your grandmothers favorite movies were" had life not brought us to that moment in time.

     Guess what she got for Christmas. :)

3) Have I mentioned how much my mother just lllooovveesss cooking shows??? And I do mean love. with a capital "L"! I laugh now because everyday I am inundated with Paula Dean, Guy whatever-his-last-name-is, The Barefoot Contessa, Giada De-somethingorother, Bobby Flay, and every other Food Network star as I wait patiently for her have mercy on me at some point and switch it to HGTV.  She is definitely the foodie and I'm the decorator in the family.

     But I digress.  As we were watching Paula Dean one day she (Paula, not my mom) happens to mention that she used to jacks as a kid.  Seconds later I hear my mom say "I used to play jacks for hours at your great grandma's house everyday after school."  Just another fun fact that I've learned about my mom. Do you know what your mom used to play as a child? Maybe you should ask her.

So, in the past 10 weeks I am happy to report that my mom and I, clearly, have not killed each other.  There have been those moments that I need my space, that I may wake up grumpy and not want to chit chat with Mary Sunshine over the morning news...but I can say that my mother is vaguely taking the form of a real human being now and not just this loosely defined word "mom", and I don't take that for granted in the slightest.  

     We laugh, she fixes dinner for us and considers it an extra treat when she can try out a new recipe on my boyfriend and I, and tomorrow I'm taking her to her doctors appointment- a part of my schedule that I find honored to be doing.

So...Life Lessons: 1) Take the time to find out what your mom's favorite (fill in the blank here) is.  2) Stay open to the tid-bits of her life that she may share with you without her even knowing. I promise that you're life will make just a little bit more sense if you do. 

                                                   Christmas Mornin'

                                            Mom & I

     

My 6 week check-up

Holy cow I can't believe it's been six weeks already! I can say this, that I feel as though I have lived more life & learned more about my family & my mother in the last six weeks, than I have in the last five years. 

Miraculously (or...maybe not so, depending on how you want to look at it) I have finally received the closure I was always needing from a relationship with my father that was as non existent as he was when I was growing up. I have struggled with my feelings of his choices of leaving our family, & finally, I did the hard work & wrote him a letter explaining it all. Four months later I received a response...& have now let go of it.  It wasn't easy,...how does a child confront their parent about the parents life choices that created very real feelings that have effected the first 34 years of their life? How does a child assume the parental role & finally open the doors of communication regarding the proverbial pink elephant that has sat smack dab in the middle of the room for so long? When is it that the child has to become the more mature one? But what I realized was that for the sake of having healthy relationships with the men in my life from here on out, it was something that I needed to do. I didn't want to...I had to. The result? Five months later & I have met the love of my life & the best friend a girl could ever hope for. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences.  I now stand in a place of gratitude, having been raised by my most incredible & loving grandfather.  I have let go of all resentment & anger & simply wished my father well. 

Surprising to me but oh so welcomed was the side effect of my heart having been completely opened to feeling every ounce of love that comes my way.  Every so often I am shaken by that underlying fear of abandonment, but the blessing is that I have a man in my life that is patient enough to allow my moments & is standing on the other side waiting for me when I pass through them. And those times of shaky ground are becoming less & less as the days pass.

Another bonus? I had been so clouded by my own "issues", my own "story", that I couldn't clearly see the unconditional love that was sitting right in front of me in my nephews.  I am so completely smitten by that two & four year old that I find myself overcome with emotions every time I think of them.  How sad it would have been if I had spent a lifetime so engrossed in my own torment that I missed out on these moments, this love, because I was so hell bent on keeping my story in the place that was most comfortable for me? Now, they get the best of me.

Life Lesson: It takes courage to do the uncomfortable work, to face the ugliness of life in the faith that the conclusion of the story will be much more than the introduction.  But here's what I really know as a fact...the conclusion will always read better, because any ounce of bravery one may posses will be met by the Universe/God &  gifted back to you in ways that you could have never imagined.  Take the risks, put your big girl panties on, do the difficult work, & start looking forward to the next chapter...it will never be worse than the one you've currently written.


Oh! And I've also, already, paid off a significant sized bill & had my first official presentation as United Learning Foundation, Inc. at a local high school. See what I mean??...More life in the last six weeks then... :o)

So there's this boy....

that has come into my life and turned it upside down.  I'm not quite ready to tell the whole story at this moment (maybe the four year old inside of me is afraid of the idea of jinxing this greatness), but someday soon our story will make it's way to this blog.  

All I can say is this... that the life lessons of listening to your internal cues of the road that you are meant to take (no matter how imperfect or unwanted that road may seem to you at the time); and surrendering to the journey with nothing more than the self confidence you may posses at that time, have been embraced completely. 

When I think back to the days, almost five years ago now, when I was in the fetal position on the floor, at the feet of my ex husband before he walked out on our marriage, unable to catch my breath because of my broken heart ; and waking up with my eyes unable to open from the broken capillaries that were a result of crying my heart out...I am allowing myself this bliss.  In the end, love wins.

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."  -Chinese proverb

"What did you do with my nail file?!?"

It's 9am on Monday morning and she gets sassy with me about her nail file that I took out of the drawer next to the chair she always sits in to watch t.v.

My response: "You have five others in there." And trust me, I'm not being dramatic...she was literally staring at five other nail files in that drawer! Ugh.

Life lesson for the day: One's mother will always remember the littlest, most insignificant things. Keep mother's close and nail files closer.  

Paper Shredder v. Oprah

Ok.... here's what I know as an absolute...

I have ONE hour out of my day that is solely devoted to Oprah (it is, after all, her final season and I haven't had the opportunity to watch her in a few years), so can someone please explain to me why my mother insists on shredding all of her important documents during this one specific hour?? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I coulda swore that there were another 23 hours out of the day in which to choose from to complete such a chore.

I honestly believe it's because she wants to drive me crazy. Mom:2 Me:0

Life Lesson for today: The most inconvenient of all realities will, inevitably, happen when one is watching Oprah. Don't say I didn't warn you.