The Sound of Music, jacks, & the holidays, oh my!

I feel like I have blinked and the last 10 weeks have passed. Let's see...where to begin...

1) Since last I wrote we've gone through both Thanksgiving and Christmas 2010.  This past holiday season, I am happy to report, was at times wonderfully overwhelming. For Thanksgiving my mom, my guy, and I went down to Los Angeles to spend the weekend with my brother and his family.  As I was sitting in the passenger seat while on the road I couldn't help but think back to the differences between last year and this one. I was overtaken with awe at how one little (or, not so little) decision can truly change ones life.  Last year, and the previous three before that, found me alone and desperately lonely.  I had my amazing friends that opened up their homes and hearts to me, but at the end of each day when I had to walk into an empty house the loneliness was palpable. It wasn't until after my divorce and the subsequent four years that I understood the statement "It's just another day" in it's entirety.  Those moments when it feels as those you could vanish into thin air and no one would mourn the loss (or so it felt) was my reality, holiday or not.

     This year, as I stood around the dinner table and we were taking turns saying what we're all thankful for, I was brought to tears with gratitude.  There I was in the presence of the people whom I have returned to- my family- and the one who has been brought to me.  "I am thankful that I am in a completely different place than I was last year. And I am thankful for the best boyfriend a girl could ever hope for" was all I could squeak out through my tears.

     It was, in fact, the best holiday season I have had since they were once spent with my grandparents.        There are moments when I could allow myself to feel as though I am absolutely no where that a 34 year old woman should be with her life, I could succumb to our society's standards of what, apparently, makes up a successful and productive member of society (and at the present time that's, not me)...but then I realize that I now have everything that I could have ever wanted in this life and that all there is for me to do is say "thank you".  But let's be clear, I'm not living in gratitude because all that I wanted has been given to me, I am thankful for the hard fought victories and the love that has come to me despite all of the crap that life has thrown my way. Because I diligently stayed open and hopeful even in the darkest of hours, consciously deciding to never allow bitterness and anger to overtake me, my present and future are more full than I knew it to ever be possible. 

2) It has become an unspoken standing date now that my mom and I watch Oprah together everyday (she, thankfully,now halts all uses of paper shredders 'til after the 4 o'clock hour).  Whatever I have to do or any appointments I have to make I do before 4pm and am at home like clockwork to sit on my couch as she's in her chair, to watch the show.  

     This one particular day Oprah was featuring the cast of The Sound of Music complete with their behind-the-scenes stories and pictures of that magical place we all recognize as the hill that Julie Andrews twirled about on. As she went to commercial my mom says to me "The Sound of Music, Paint Your Wagon, and White Christmas have always been my three favorite movies of all time." I would have never ever known that about my mom and would have had to say to my children "I don't know what your grandmothers favorite movies were" had life not brought us to that moment in time.

     Guess what she got for Christmas. :)

3) Have I mentioned how much my mother just lllooovveesss cooking shows??? And I do mean love. with a capital "L"! I laugh now because everyday I am inundated with Paula Dean, Guy whatever-his-last-name-is, The Barefoot Contessa, Giada De-somethingorother, Bobby Flay, and every other Food Network star as I wait patiently for her have mercy on me at some point and switch it to HGTV.  She is definitely the foodie and I'm the decorator in the family.

     But I digress.  As we were watching Paula Dean one day she (Paula, not my mom) happens to mention that she used to jacks as a kid.  Seconds later I hear my mom say "I used to play jacks for hours at your great grandma's house everyday after school."  Just another fun fact that I've learned about my mom. Do you know what your mom used to play as a child? Maybe you should ask her.

So, in the past 10 weeks I am happy to report that my mom and I, clearly, have not killed each other.  There have been those moments that I need my space, that I may wake up grumpy and not want to chit chat with Mary Sunshine over the morning news...but I can say that my mother is vaguely taking the form of a real human being now and not just this loosely defined word "mom", and I don't take that for granted in the slightest.  

     We laugh, she fixes dinner for us and considers it an extra treat when she can try out a new recipe on my boyfriend and I, and tomorrow I'm taking her to her doctors appointment- a part of my schedule that I find honored to be doing.

So...Life Lessons: 1) Take the time to find out what your mom's favorite (fill in the blank here) is.  2) Stay open to the tid-bits of her life that she may share with you without her even knowing. I promise that you're life will make just a little bit more sense if you do. 

                                                   Christmas Mornin'

                                            Mom & I

     

My 6 week check-up

Holy cow I can't believe it's been six weeks already! I can say this, that I feel as though I have lived more life & learned more about my family & my mother in the last six weeks, than I have in the last five years. 

Miraculously (or...maybe not so, depending on how you want to look at it) I have finally received the closure I was always needing from a relationship with my father that was as non existent as he was when I was growing up. I have struggled with my feelings of his choices of leaving our family, & finally, I did the hard work & wrote him a letter explaining it all. Four months later I received a response...& have now let go of it.  It wasn't easy,...how does a child confront their parent about the parents life choices that created very real feelings that have effected the first 34 years of their life? How does a child assume the parental role & finally open the doors of communication regarding the proverbial pink elephant that has sat smack dab in the middle of the room for so long? When is it that the child has to become the more mature one? But what I realized was that for the sake of having healthy relationships with the men in my life from here on out, it was something that I needed to do. I didn't want to...I had to. The result? Five months later & I have met the love of my life & the best friend a girl could ever hope for. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences.  I now stand in a place of gratitude, having been raised by my most incredible & loving grandfather.  I have let go of all resentment & anger & simply wished my father well. 

Surprising to me but oh so welcomed was the side effect of my heart having been completely opened to feeling every ounce of love that comes my way.  Every so often I am shaken by that underlying fear of abandonment, but the blessing is that I have a man in my life that is patient enough to allow my moments & is standing on the other side waiting for me when I pass through them. And those times of shaky ground are becoming less & less as the days pass.

Another bonus? I had been so clouded by my own "issues", my own "story", that I couldn't clearly see the unconditional love that was sitting right in front of me in my nephews.  I am so completely smitten by that two & four year old that I find myself overcome with emotions every time I think of them.  How sad it would have been if I had spent a lifetime so engrossed in my own torment that I missed out on these moments, this love, because I was so hell bent on keeping my story in the place that was most comfortable for me? Now, they get the best of me.

Life Lesson: It takes courage to do the uncomfortable work, to face the ugliness of life in the faith that the conclusion of the story will be much more than the introduction.  But here's what I really know as a fact...the conclusion will always read better, because any ounce of bravery one may posses will be met by the Universe/God &  gifted back to you in ways that you could have never imagined.  Take the risks, put your big girl panties on, do the difficult work, & start looking forward to the next chapter...it will never be worse than the one you've currently written.


Oh! And I've also, already, paid off a significant sized bill & had my first official presentation as United Learning Foundation, Inc. at a local high school. See what I mean??...More life in the last six weeks then... :o)

So there's this boy....

that has come into my life and turned it upside down.  I'm not quite ready to tell the whole story at this moment (maybe the four year old inside of me is afraid of the idea of jinxing this greatness), but someday soon our story will make it's way to this blog.  

All I can say is this... that the life lessons of listening to your internal cues of the road that you are meant to take (no matter how imperfect or unwanted that road may seem to you at the time); and surrendering to the journey with nothing more than the self confidence you may posses at that time, have been embraced completely. 

When I think back to the days, almost five years ago now, when I was in the fetal position on the floor, at the feet of my ex husband before he walked out on our marriage, unable to catch my breath because of my broken heart ; and waking up with my eyes unable to open from the broken capillaries that were a result of crying my heart out...I am allowing myself this bliss.  In the end, love wins.

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."  -Chinese proverb

"What did you do with my nail file?!?"

It's 9am on Monday morning and she gets sassy with me about her nail file that I took out of the drawer next to the chair she always sits in to watch t.v.

My response: "You have five others in there." And trust me, I'm not being dramatic...she was literally staring at five other nail files in that drawer! Ugh.

Life lesson for the day: One's mother will always remember the littlest, most insignificant things. Keep mother's close and nail files closer.  

Paper Shredder v. Oprah

Ok.... here's what I know as an absolute...

I have ONE hour out of my day that is solely devoted to Oprah (it is, after all, her final season and I haven't had the opportunity to watch her in a few years), so can someone please explain to me why my mother insists on shredding all of her important documents during this one specific hour?? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I coulda swore that there were another 23 hours out of the day in which to choose from to complete such a chore.

I honestly believe it's because she wants to drive me crazy. Mom:2 Me:0

Life Lesson for today: The most inconvenient of all realities will, inevitably, happen when one is watching Oprah. Don't say I didn't warn you.

"USE A COASTER" & NCIS

So, I'm here.  I'm on my fifth day, and I'm pleased to report that we have yet to kill each other (a major victory from where I sit).

Monday morning was a mixture of emotions for me.  I was up early and anticipating being on the road by 9:30am.  Getting Fatty, my cat, into her carrier was a wrestling match that ended with me having her fur ALL over me and her in the front seat of the car perched on a suitcase and crying for the next half hour (luckily, she then fell asleep and stayed that way for the next five hours).  

As I took a look around my place one more time before literally closing the door to this chapter in my life, I thanked my apartment- out loud and with meaning.  I know that may sound strange, but I believe in showing gratitude for the persons/places/ and things that I encounter along my journey.  Two years ago, when I moved in, I felt lost...or, moreover, was lost.  I had no more husband, had lost my home, had no job, was 31 years old with a college degree and no way to pay my student loans, living with a disability, believeing that nothing and no one seems to work out or stick around in my life, and felt more alone in this world than I could have ever imagined.  The subsequent years, the evolution of my soul while living in that space that allowed for such growth, became a lesson in all that I could endure and eventually thrive, through. So I allowed myself to feel the gratitude I felt for that small piece of the world that I called  my own... and got in my car.

As I drove away, from not only my place but from San Diego, I cried.  But once I could see San Diego, my city, in my rear view mirror, the word FORWARD found it's place in my mind and never let go...still hasn't.

Five hours later I was driving back into my childhood town on the same freeway that took me away from it, 12 years prior.  It was surreal, and for a brief moment it all, the past 12 years and all of the life that I had lived in it, seemed like a dream.  How was I going to approach living in this town again?? What were the lessons that I was bringing back with me from the Big City?? Why do I feel a small sense of sadness at the realization that my grandpa was no longer here to say to me as I got out of the car "Hi, Stinker (his nickname for me that I wore proudly)"?. Who would I encounter? Would I recognize my childhood friends..would they recognize me? Would I really be able to succeed at this brand new course that I've embarked on or am I simply delaying the adult life that I should be a part of  by moving back home with my mommy? AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING??

 

I got to my mom's house and was greeted by a chilly reception.  My bed wasn't cleared off and there was a tension that I was all too familiar with.  What I haven't mentioned until now, is that my mom was less than enthused that I was moving back home.  I can't exactly say why, I'm not sure she even knows that answer, but aside from the questions in my own mind about doing the right thing for this time in my life and making such a drastic change, I was also battling with the knowledge that my homecoming was less than welcomed.  I suppose, maybe she was as apprehensive about what this meant for her lifestyle as I was about what it meant for mine. I think every daughter wants the approval of her mother more than she wants to breath, and knowing that was not available to me broke my heart.  My mom is a great woman, we just struggle to communicate, and the difficulty in life will always be learning to speak another's language that will satisfy you both.  

I hadn't been home for two hours yet, I was mentally, emotionally, and physically (my body still aches from over exerting myself during the move) exhausted, so I get a bottle of water and sit down on the couch.  As I go to put the water on the coffee table my mom (keep in mind that she's talking on the phone to my cousin) yells "USE A COASTER!!!!" . Holy cow, woman, did you have to scare the hell out of me?!?!? So, once I located a coaster, I am now pleased to report that I have since obeyed my mom's first house rule and use a coaster every time.  Mom-1  Me-0. So much for exerting my independence and adulthood.  How is it that we revert back to being 10 years old again, when under our parents' roof?

And have I also mentioned that she watches NCIS FIVE hours a day?!? Seriously...if it's on t.v. (and it's ALWAYS on t.v.) she's watching it.  And the rest of the day??? HGTV or the FOOD network....do you see where I'm going with this?? Ugh. Kill me now.  I just consider myself lucky that I get to squeeze in an hour with Oprah.

Happy Birthday & Here We Go

I'm exhausted.  Completely and utterly exhausted.

I had a fantastic Going Away/ Birthday Get Together tonight.  My friends are amazing. I felt so unbelievably loved. 

And, at this moment  it is now officially the day of my birth...and my move day.  I have yet to go to sleep for the night (obviously, right?) and I'll be getting up in a few short hours to hit the road.

I'm sitting on the floor of my empty living room, looking around the place I've called home for the last two years. Of course, there's all of the pain in the you-know-what last minute little things to get done in the morning before I leave...throwing away the trash, cleaning the kitchen, finding any place at all for the little "straggler" things that never seem to have a logical place in this world but somehow find their way to the floor in piles as one is moving, and shoving slippers into my purse for lack of any where else to put them and my energy level doesn't allow me to think logically in regards to my slippers.  In my purse?? Makes sense to me!

Can it be any more clear how tired I am???.... Guess I better take myself to bed. 

Goodnight, 3554 4th Ave.