My 6 week check-up

Holy cow I can't believe it's been six weeks already! I can say this, that I feel as though I have lived more life & learned more about my family & my mother in the last six weeks, than I have in the last five years. 

Miraculously (or...maybe not so, depending on how you want to look at it) I have finally received the closure I was always needing from a relationship with my father that was as non existent as he was when I was growing up. I have struggled with my feelings of his choices of leaving our family, & finally, I did the hard work & wrote him a letter explaining it all. Four months later I received a response...& have now let go of it.  It wasn't easy,...how does a child confront their parent about the parents life choices that created very real feelings that have effected the first 34 years of their life? How does a child assume the parental role & finally open the doors of communication regarding the proverbial pink elephant that has sat smack dab in the middle of the room for so long? When is it that the child has to become the more mature one? But what I realized was that for the sake of having healthy relationships with the men in my life from here on out, it was something that I needed to do. I didn't want to...I had to. The result? Five months later & I have met the love of my life & the best friend a girl could ever hope for. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences.  I now stand in a place of gratitude, having been raised by my most incredible & loving grandfather.  I have let go of all resentment & anger & simply wished my father well. 

Surprising to me but oh so welcomed was the side effect of my heart having been completely opened to feeling every ounce of love that comes my way.  Every so often I am shaken by that underlying fear of abandonment, but the blessing is that I have a man in my life that is patient enough to allow my moments & is standing on the other side waiting for me when I pass through them. And those times of shaky ground are becoming less & less as the days pass.

Another bonus? I had been so clouded by my own "issues", my own "story", that I couldn't clearly see the unconditional love that was sitting right in front of me in my nephews.  I am so completely smitten by that two & four year old that I find myself overcome with emotions every time I think of them.  How sad it would have been if I had spent a lifetime so engrossed in my own torment that I missed out on these moments, this love, because I was so hell bent on keeping my story in the place that was most comfortable for me? Now, they get the best of me.

Life Lesson: It takes courage to do the uncomfortable work, to face the ugliness of life in the faith that the conclusion of the story will be much more than the introduction.  But here's what I really know as a fact...the conclusion will always read better, because any ounce of bravery one may posses will be met by the Universe/God &  gifted back to you in ways that you could have never imagined.  Take the risks, put your big girl panties on, do the difficult work, & start looking forward to the next chapter...it will never be worse than the one you've currently written.


Oh! And I've also, already, paid off a significant sized bill & had my first official presentation as United Learning Foundation, Inc. at a local high school. See what I mean??...More life in the last six weeks then... :o)

So there's this boy....

that has come into my life and turned it upside down.  I'm not quite ready to tell the whole story at this moment (maybe the four year old inside of me is afraid of the idea of jinxing this greatness), but someday soon our story will make it's way to this blog.  

All I can say is this... that the life lessons of listening to your internal cues of the road that you are meant to take (no matter how imperfect or unwanted that road may seem to you at the time); and surrendering to the journey with nothing more than the self confidence you may posses at that time, have been embraced completely. 

When I think back to the days, almost five years ago now, when I was in the fetal position on the floor, at the feet of my ex husband before he walked out on our marriage, unable to catch my breath because of my broken heart ; and waking up with my eyes unable to open from the broken capillaries that were a result of crying my heart out...I am allowing myself this bliss.  In the end, love wins.

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."  -Chinese proverb

"What did you do with my nail file?!?"

It's 9am on Monday morning and she gets sassy with me about her nail file that I took out of the drawer next to the chair she always sits in to watch t.v.

My response: "You have five others in there." And trust me, I'm not being dramatic...she was literally staring at five other nail files in that drawer! Ugh.

Life lesson for the day: One's mother will always remember the littlest, most insignificant things. Keep mother's close and nail files closer.  

Paper Shredder v. Oprah

Ok.... here's what I know as an absolute...

I have ONE hour out of my day that is solely devoted to Oprah (it is, after all, her final season and I haven't had the opportunity to watch her in a few years), so can someone please explain to me why my mother insists on shredding all of her important documents during this one specific hour?? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I coulda swore that there were another 23 hours out of the day in which to choose from to complete such a chore.

I honestly believe it's because she wants to drive me crazy. Mom:2 Me:0

Life Lesson for today: The most inconvenient of all realities will, inevitably, happen when one is watching Oprah. Don't say I didn't warn you.

"USE A COASTER" & NCIS

So, I'm here.  I'm on my fifth day, and I'm pleased to report that we have yet to kill each other (a major victory from where I sit).

Monday morning was a mixture of emotions for me.  I was up early and anticipating being on the road by 9:30am.  Getting Fatty, my cat, into her carrier was a wrestling match that ended with me having her fur ALL over me and her in the front seat of the car perched on a suitcase and crying for the next half hour (luckily, she then fell asleep and stayed that way for the next five hours).  

As I took a look around my place one more time before literally closing the door to this chapter in my life, I thanked my apartment- out loud and with meaning.  I know that may sound strange, but I believe in showing gratitude for the persons/places/ and things that I encounter along my journey.  Two years ago, when I moved in, I felt lost...or, moreover, was lost.  I had no more husband, had lost my home, had no job, was 31 years old with a college degree and no way to pay my student loans, living with a disability, believeing that nothing and no one seems to work out or stick around in my life, and felt more alone in this world than I could have ever imagined.  The subsequent years, the evolution of my soul while living in that space that allowed for such growth, became a lesson in all that I could endure and eventually thrive, through. So I allowed myself to feel the gratitude I felt for that small piece of the world that I called  my own... and got in my car.

As I drove away, from not only my place but from San Diego, I cried.  But once I could see San Diego, my city, in my rear view mirror, the word FORWARD found it's place in my mind and never let go...still hasn't.

Five hours later I was driving back into my childhood town on the same freeway that took me away from it, 12 years prior.  It was surreal, and for a brief moment it all, the past 12 years and all of the life that I had lived in it, seemed like a dream.  How was I going to approach living in this town again?? What were the lessons that I was bringing back with me from the Big City?? Why do I feel a small sense of sadness at the realization that my grandpa was no longer here to say to me as I got out of the car "Hi, Stinker (his nickname for me that I wore proudly)"?. Who would I encounter? Would I recognize my childhood friends..would they recognize me? Would I really be able to succeed at this brand new course that I've embarked on or am I simply delaying the adult life that I should be a part of  by moving back home with my mommy? AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING??

 

I got to my mom's house and was greeted by a chilly reception.  My bed wasn't cleared off and there was a tension that I was all too familiar with.  What I haven't mentioned until now, is that my mom was less than enthused that I was moving back home.  I can't exactly say why, I'm not sure she even knows that answer, but aside from the questions in my own mind about doing the right thing for this time in my life and making such a drastic change, I was also battling with the knowledge that my homecoming was less than welcomed.  I suppose, maybe she was as apprehensive about what this meant for her lifestyle as I was about what it meant for mine. I think every daughter wants the approval of her mother more than she wants to breath, and knowing that was not available to me broke my heart.  My mom is a great woman, we just struggle to communicate, and the difficulty in life will always be learning to speak another's language that will satisfy you both.  

I hadn't been home for two hours yet, I was mentally, emotionally, and physically (my body still aches from over exerting myself during the move) exhausted, so I get a bottle of water and sit down on the couch.  As I go to put the water on the coffee table my mom (keep in mind that she's talking on the phone to my cousin) yells "USE A COASTER!!!!" . Holy cow, woman, did you have to scare the hell out of me?!?!? So, once I located a coaster, I am now pleased to report that I have since obeyed my mom's first house rule and use a coaster every time.  Mom-1  Me-0. So much for exerting my independence and adulthood.  How is it that we revert back to being 10 years old again, when under our parents' roof?

And have I also mentioned that she watches NCIS FIVE hours a day?!? Seriously...if it's on t.v. (and it's ALWAYS on t.v.) she's watching it.  And the rest of the day??? HGTV or the FOOD network....do you see where I'm going with this?? Ugh. Kill me now.  I just consider myself lucky that I get to squeeze in an hour with Oprah.

Happy Birthday & Here We Go

I'm exhausted.  Completely and utterly exhausted.

I had a fantastic Going Away/ Birthday Get Together tonight.  My friends are amazing. I felt so unbelievably loved. 

And, at this moment  it is now officially the day of my birth...and my move day.  I have yet to go to sleep for the night (obviously, right?) and I'll be getting up in a few short hours to hit the road.

I'm sitting on the floor of my empty living room, looking around the place I've called home for the last two years. Of course, there's all of the pain in the you-know-what last minute little things to get done in the morning before I leave...throwing away the trash, cleaning the kitchen, finding any place at all for the little "straggler" things that never seem to have a logical place in this world but somehow find their way to the floor in piles as one is moving, and shoving slippers into my purse for lack of any where else to put them and my energy level doesn't allow me to think logically in regards to my slippers.  In my purse?? Makes sense to me!

Can it be any more clear how tired I am???.... Guess I better take myself to bed. 

Goodnight, 3554 4th Ave.

"Who ever gets you will get the Christmas Pie"

I'm sitting here on my next to last Friday night in San Diego watching P.S. I Love You (my go-to-I'm-in-a-somber-mood movie). Reflecting has taken over most of my thoughts these days and I find myself wading through excitement and sadness simultaneously.

 I find myself going out of my way to drive by places that hold special memories for me. Good or bad, happy or sad ones; I still seem to be compelled to presumably, say good bye to these memories.  My own version of closure, I suppose.  Last week I went to the Starbucks that can lay claim to the very first date of my ex husband and I, and I'm pretty sure that I will also drive by the place that we got married as well.  As I sat there in Starbucks- or experienced these other places that have held some part of my life experiences- these memories flood over me and play like a movie in my mind.  The patrons that sit around me have no idea that this girl that sits quietly by herself, drinking her hot chocolate, is releasing and letting go of it all. All of the first relationship in her life that has meant anything to her.  Now, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's over, and it's not as if I want him or us back...but I would do myself a terrible injustice if I didn't give this part of my reality its proper respect. I am forever changed because of what I have experienced in this town.

If there were one part of this move that I don't feel I am ready to be done with, it's my Hospice work.  Months ago, long before this decision to turn my life upside down, I made a decision to volunteer for Hospice. My thoughts being that if I could help one patient or family the way Hospice helped mine when my grandfather- the most amazing man I have ever known to date- was at the end of his life, I would be honored.  So, 16 hours of training and weeks later I received my first patient.  For the sake of his privacy, I'll call him John.  John has made it to 94 years old and I look forward to every day that I spend with him. I was assigned to John by his social worker because he needs socialization from the routine of his retirement home...and apparently he has always loved a pretty girl (so she tells me).  He gets tired easily, but at every visit I roll him out to the patio in his wheel chair and I sit with him as he relays stories of his 24 years in the Army, his early childhood in New York and Connecticut, his first marriage and daughter, his second marriage to his soul mate, and  his indomitable love of dancing the Fox Trot, Tango, and Viennese Waltz.  He is an amazing man that has lived more life than my little mind full of my own life experiences can comprehend.   His movies play over and over in his mind as well.  When he gets that look in his eye and his words drift off to a far away place, I know they take him back to his happiest moments that offer him comfort.  I understand him.

In talking with John one afternoon he asks me if I am married.  To keep things simple for his comprehension I simply answer "no".  After he tells me "If I had another daughter I would want her to be just like you" he then tells me...."Who ever gets you will get the Christmas Pie." That small statement will be carried with me and close to my heart for the rest of my days. 

10 more days to go....

 Good night, for now.

"The need for change bulldozed a road down the center of my mind" ~Maya Angelou

I am sitting on my couch in what will soon be one of the last Sunday nights that I ever spend in San Diego, CA.

I have never done this blogging thing before...but at the prompting of some of my girlfriends here I am.  While this new chapter that I am embarking on comes complete with anxiety (that my life will forever be different and not necessarily in a good way), and worry (that what I am seeking won't be found), they on the other hand fully expect to find comic relief in my situation....thanks girls! Only because I love you, am I doing this!

Back to the issue at hand....I am, in fact, moving back in with my mother at 34 years old  (pause for gasps and laughter).  Worse yet, I'm willingly moving from beautiful San Diego, California  to FRESNO, CA!!!! What the....???  I know, I know....you're asking yourself  "who in their right mind would do such a thing??"...well, you're lookin' at her!

This decision to move hasn't been made lightly and has actually been in the back of my mind for the last 12 years that I have been in San Diego.  I moved here over 12 years ago knowing no one, not having seen my apartment until the day I moved in, didn't have a job, and had yet to be accepted to San Diego State University as a transfer student.  I have always been one to believe "leap and the net will appear", and I've never been wrong.  Within six months I met the man that later became my first husband (as every girl should have a "1st husband" to call their own...I kid, I kid- sort of). But one thing was for certain...San Diego wasn't home to me, and looking back I can say that it's never felt like home to me.  Yes, I have had amazing experiences and met the most wonderful people that make my world complete, but "home" is never a word I would use to describe this town.   

Fast forward from 1998 to 2010...I have gone through a most difficult and heart wrenching divorce, and a few other failed attempts at relationships that have left me with the knowledge that it's time to make a move.   I have said for years, matter-of-factly, that I would leave San Diego if a had a good reason to but I was always in a relationship or had a job that kept me here....I now find myself without either one so it's time to go. My biggest fear is that I will find myself being 50 years old and simply existing in this town.  That I will be complacent and bored out of my skull.

I have recently been working at the American Red Cross but my position has been done away with, and the last relationship I was in ended 4 months ago....so here I am....moving back in with my mother at 34 years old!

In a nut shell, here's what prompted me to ask my mother "Hey, how would you feel about a roommate, mom??" :

1. I have started my own non profit organization that teaches dis/ABILITY awareness/ tolerance/empathy  to children - United Learning Foundation, Inc.- & I have seemingly a million start-up costs.  If I move in with mom I can put all of my money into this organization, my life's work.

2. I can save some real money for the next next chapter of my life, where ever I'll move after this (I'm NOT getting stuck in Fresno!)

3. I can take a moment to figure out where I'm meant to end up (REPEAT: I am NOT getting stuck in Fresno!)

4. I can spend some quality time with my mom at this time in her life before I move on (DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME??? I'm NOT getting stuck in Fresno!!).

5. I won't wake up every day with a perpetual sadness hanging over my head from all of the love lost for me in this town

So the conversation went something like this (keep in mind I keep having visions of Dorothy & Sophia...all we'll need now is Blanche and Rose):

 Me: So, mom....my position has been done away with.  How would you feel about me living with you in my old room, and out of suitcases, for a few months?

   Mom: Well...you know you can always come home. (she takes a breath) BUT! I will tell you that you will be responsible for keeping your bedroom and bathroom clean and does that mean that I'm inheriting a cat too (does it get any worse for me?? A single, child-less girl with a cat??...Ugh!) because I will have you know that I open up all of the doors and windows in the house every morning to let in cross circulation so your cat better be in your room because I'm not going to be responsible for the cat if the cat gets out and I can't get it back I won't have that on my conscious....

By the way....There are no periods for a reason, the way you read it is exactly the way she delivered it. Poor woman never came up for air! Ugh...what have I gotten myself into.....?